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Everything I need to know about relationships with women is spread out over two movies: The Quiet Man and The Birdcage.

Here’s what The Quiet Man teaches me about women: When you think it’s about money, it’s not about money. And because almost everything that goes on between men and women seems to be about money, this is an important thing to know.

When a wealthy retired boxer played by John Wayne returns to Galway and meets a red-haired force of nature played by Maureen O’Hara, at first he’s amused by her insistence that he secure her dowry in the form of some furniture and cash.

Then things turn sour with her brother – a man-mountain played by Victor McLaglen – Wayne figures, “Let him have the damn money. I’ve got plenty of money.” Big mistake because, as the movie vividly teaches us, when you think it’s about money, it’s not about money. In fact, as this movie demonstrates, it’s about almost everything but the money.

And then there’s The Birdcage. That God hid this information in a movie that features Nathan Lane as a fat transvestite is, well, pretty cool of God. Here’s what The Birdcage teaches me about women: Women are insane, and there’s nothing you can do about that but surrender to it. But if you do surrender to it, they will enrich your life beyond measure.

Robin Williams, who plays Nathan Lane’s “husband” in the film, does one of the most convincing jobs of “manning up” that I’ve ever seen in cinema. At one point, he even does an impression of John Wayne which points out the precise affinity between John Wayne and gay men in Florida. His character entirely capitulates to his spouse even though he knows that “she” is capricious, unreasonable and possibly even certifiable. He admits to her – with some manly regret – that his life without her is not a life, and so there’s no use in even talking about it. She gets what she wants always.

Among the thousand amazing aspects to William’s character’s is that he was earlier married to an actual woman, with whom he had a son. The “real” woman is played by Christine Baranski, and during the movie they reunite for a fun-filled afternoon of nostalgia.

The contrast between Baranski and Lane is stark. Baranksi is reasonable and fun, and Lane is a phenomenal pain in the ass. But then you begin to understand that’s because Baranksi never really was his wife, and Lane is.

Let’s review:

Women are insane, and there’s nothing you can do about that but surrender. But if you do surrender, they will enrich your life beyond measure.

When you think it’s about money, it’s not about money.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2009 at 10:11 am and is filed under memoiry. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.